An Open Letter to the Federal Bureau of Investigation and The Ohio State Highway Patrol on the Return of my Typewriter… Sort Of

fbi dummyDear Fascist Fuckweasels,

Back in September 2012, prison officials dragged me away and tortured me at Mansfield Corruptional. All of you were there at the time, falling all over yourselves and kicking each other in the pants. You know, the standard circus clown-show.

So, as I got dragged away, my typewriter was seized. This typewriter was extremely significant to the 12 Monkey investigation, given that just about all of their materials were generated on a fuckin’ computer, not on a typewriter. And their materials were online, and I don’t have the internet.

Clearly, I’M the shooter in the grassy knoll…

Angela Hunsinger snagged my typewriter. She’s a fucking fascist from way back. She got through college by cashing in the gold fillings from the molars in that coffee can they found under her Austrian grandfather’s bed when he finally sputtered out. In the estate settlement, she got the molars, a riding crop, and some really exotic lampshades.
They’re as soft as a baby’s ass.
Or SEVERAL babies’ asses.
No. Really.

So, yeah. Fastforward ahead… Twelve Monkey frame-up… torture… starvation… sniffing my intellectual underwear while you creeps fondle yourselves (and each other?)… and a recommendation for supermax…

Enter: your favorite crash-dummy dimwit, ODRC Counsel Trevor Clark. Trainwreck Trevor. He took time away from his daily quota of twisting heads off of puppies to interrogate me on 27March2013.

He said YOU GUYS sent him. He was practically orgasmic. He had the phone set on the desk so YOU GUYS could listen in. He had YOU GUYS on speed-dial. He couldn’t have been more giddy if YOU GUYS had asked him to the prom.
I think Trainwreck might have a tattoo of YOU GUYS on his ass.
No. Really.

Anyway, Trainwreck interrogated me. That was the interrogation where that silly jackwagon gave me the home addresses of Ohio senators and representatives. Yeah. Let me see the address list so I could memorize some of them.

This is before he argued with a straight face that proposing a web feature where others might leave personal information of ODRC state terrorists is a violation of security (but handing home addresses of lawmakers to a convicted felon slated for super-duper-max is perfectly kosher).
Kosher. Not a word to use around Hunsinger or your teeth might pay off her student loans.

This is also before Trainwreck argued with a straight face that revealing a phrase, BLACK LIGHTNING, as the license plate number of London Corruptional’s Warden Terry Tibbals, violated security and warranted a LIFETIME BAN on my video visits (but, again, giving HOME ADDRESSES of Ohio lawmakers to a prisoner he claimed is a terrorist is completely fuckin’ rational).

Don’t say “kosher.” Frau Hunsinger is mean with those pliers. And she yanks them three at a time, the same way her Austrian grandfather did it, growling: “Ein VOOOOLK… Ein REEEEEIICH… Ein FUUUUUUHRER…”
Frau Hunsinger and her pliers got promoted to deputy warden. No shit.

But, I digress. Trainwreck interrogated me, much to the relief of the dozen puppies who were scheduled for his daily session of “stress relief,” and he gave me lawmakers’ home addresses. Not that he cares about Ohio lawmakers since he’s from West Virginia.
Then Trainwreck told me YOU GUYS tested my typewriter. YOU GUYS matched my typewriter to the 12 Monkey materials. YOU GUYS were bringing state and federal charges.

YOU GUYS are buying him a corsage… getting him punch… slow-dancingwith him when the R.E.O. Speedwagon songs play… taking him to dinner at Red Lobster… getting a room at the Ramada Inn…
I digress again. If YOU GUYS don’t stop with the sexual innuendoes, we’re NEVER going to get anywhere.

Anyhow, the point is, my typewriter is key evidence in state and federal terrorism cases. You know, terrorism charges YOU GUYS are bringing. It’s gonna be big. Huge. Maybe the biggest case since you evil, lying fuckers framed up an immigrant named Bruno Hauptmann for the Lindbergh kidnapping, using fake forensics.
And killed him for it.

So imagine the depth of my surprise and bewilderment when, all these years later, prison staff here in Shitville gave me this typewriter and said it was from YOU GUYS. It has scribbled markings on it, some initials. Indicators where YOU GUYS lifted prints.
I was immediately concerned. I mean, these prison staff TOUCHED the typewriter. They’re CONTAMINATING key evidence in the biggest terror case since Timothy McVeigh vaporized a bunch of YOU GUYS with cowshit.
I immediately put the typewriter in a big plastic baggy. You know, to preserve key evidence for YOU GUYS.
We can’t let me get away with acts of terror or I just won’t learn…

Trainwreck assured me charges were coming. So, let me know what to do with this KEY EVIDENCE in the BIG CASES you’ve got against me.
You fuckweasels are doing a whizbang job.

Freedom or Death,
Anarchist Prisoner Sean Swain
A.K.A., The Shooter in the Grassy Knoll

PS: On closer inspection, you gave me back the wrong typewriter. Which means you’ve been forensically raping a typewriter I didn’t even own.
I really don’t feel safe with you shitheads protecting the public.
I really don’t.

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