This originally aired on The Final Straw.

Recently, the Nobel Committee named the winners of the Nobel Peace Prize for 2013. Malala Yousafzai shares the award with some guy nobody ever heard of… Which isn’t to say he doesn’t deserve it. It’s just that he now occupies a dubious place in history along with the drummer that Ringo Starr replaced in the Beatles and that guy who was the other half of Wham! who wasn’t George Michael. He’s “that dude who won the Nobel Peace Prize with Malala.”
This year it seems the Nobel Committee ran out of heads of state to honor for managing several wars simultaneously. You’ll recall, Barak Obama is a prior Nobel Peace Prize winner, back when people were still wearing his “hope” and “change” T-shirts. So, if the conduct of past Peace Prize winners is any indication of what we can expect from Malala and what’s-his-name, they’ll soon be using drones to blow up wedding parties in the Third World and approving complex, illegal spying programs.
Yea for peace… Hope… Change.
From what I’m seeing in the media, it feels like people genuinely like Malala and there’s popular support for using the Peace Prize to recognize her. Her story IS pretty inspirational: In October 2012, Wahabist extremists boarded a bus she was riding and to make an example of what happens to girls who attend western-style schooling, they shot her in the face.
Malala survived and became the symbol of a campaign against extremism. When she spoke last year at the United Nations, attempting to mobilize the world in support of children’s rights, she ended her speech with a call for global, mandatory education.
I’m not quite sure how COMPULSORY schooling imposed by governments equates with freedom, but okay. I’ve long ago stopped expecting deluded hierarchs to make sense. Not siding with the Wahabists here, folks. I’m just questioning whether our only two solutions are to either shoot kids in the face or else impose a system of education like in the U.S. that frequently provokes the students to shoot EACH OTHER in the face. But, Malala IS personable and appealing, and I’m certainly not going to begrudge her making off with a million bucks in Nobel’s ill-gotten loot.
Oh. Yeah. And I’m sure what’s-his-name is a nice guy too. So, just to be clear– I’m not trying to be a dick. I’m really not. It just comes natural and I’m really good at it.
So, I gotta ask, are we gonna award the Peace Price to every school kid who gets shot in the face? I’m asking because on any given day you’ve got half a dozen Peace Prize winners in the DC public school system alone. Michael Brown qualifies for two Peace Prizes according to the autopsy diagrams, since Ferguson police delivered a double-tap that made sure Mike-Mike would never have the chance to speak before the U.N.
I guess that proves that the murderous extremists in the U.S. are a better shot than their Pakistani counterparts.
Go figure. Practice makes perfect, right?
At any rate, with this year’s award, the Nobel Committee put a spotlight on a student activist for children’s right to education and on a nameless guy who dedicated his life to combating child slavery. So, almost a decade and a half into the Twenty-First century, the Nobel Committee has decided to take the radical stand that we shouldn’t enslave our kids or shoot them in the face.
Yea, Nobel Committee. Peace… Hope… Change…
This may sound cynical, but it sure FEELS like the Nobel Committee has given us a fluffy feel-good moment, an opportunity to hold hands and sing Cumbayah, and pat ourselves on the back for standing in solidarity with Malala and what’s-his-face… Rather than actually doing something significant to challenge power, to change conditions, to further the cause of real peace. I guess we really shouldn’t expect too much from an organization financially maintained by the jerk-off who invented dynamite, huh?
All this got me thinking what I would do if I was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. If ten thousand people write and recommend the same person, three members of the Nobel Committee will go interview that potential nominee. Imagine if enough people wrote ME in, and three members of the Nobel Committee came here to the supermax… And I beat them up.
I bet I could do it. They’re probably pacifists. At level 4A, I don’t have any restraints, and there’s the element of surprise. They’d NEVER see it coming. No previous PEACE Prize nominee ever kicked the nominating committee’s ass before, right? Think Mother Teresa hit them with a spinning roundhouse kick? Or that Irish poet guy knocked their teeth out with a flying elbow? Of course not. I’d make HISTORY. The first nominee to knock out the Nobel Nominating Committee. That’d show them what we think of their stupid peace prize, huh? And then YOU could watch it over and over again from the security footage.
Anyone who wants to nominate me and watch the fireworks can either find the Nobel Committee online or else write to Norwegian Nobel Institute, Drammensveien 19, No. 0255, Oslo, Norway. We’ll soon have it posted with the transcript of this segment at seanswain.org for anyone who wants to turn the Nobel Peace Prize nominating process into Celebrity Boxing.
For Ihsan, this is Anarchist Prisoner Sean Swain from Ohio’s supermax facility. If you’re listening, you ARE the resistance.
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NOMINATE ANARCHIST PRISONER SEAN SWAIN FOR THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE SO HE CAN MAKE HISTORY AS THE FIRST NOMINEE TO BEAT UP THE NOBEL COMMITTEE!
To get Sean Swain nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, we need ten thousand people to recommend Sean as a nominee, either by suggesting him to the Nominating Committee online, or by writing to the Nobel Institute by snailmail:
Norwegian Nobel Institute
Drammensveien 19
No. 0255, Oslo
NORWAY
Sean is in training now to get down to his ideal fighting weight, so if you and your friends recommend him to the Nominating Committee, send us a copy at 243205sean@gmail.com so we can post updates on the number of recommendations we need to get to ten thousand.
Then, it’s a three-on-one grudge match! And we’ll post the security video at seanswain.org once it becomes available!
Don’t wait! Nominate Sean today!