Even as election results were ticking across the bottom of the screen, Anarchist prisoner Sean Swain, in his cell at Ohio’s supermax facility, recognized foul play. “My name wasn’t even featured. Only the dog-swapping, wife-kicking, delusional hierarchs’ totals were being counted,” Swain said. “So I knew, they robbed me again.”
Swain ran for Ohio Governor, promising to decommission the national guard and give their weapons to the Native American tribes who still own Ohio; to empty the prisons and turn them into squats; and to declare every day a state holiday, shuttering public schools forever. His campaign slogan:
“Wanna dance naked around a bonfire where the Ohio Statehouse used to be? Elect Sean Swain as Ohio Governor in 2014.”
But, according to mainstream media, incumbent Governor John Kasich won the election with more than 60% of the vote.
“It’s inconceivable to me that the vast majority of voting Ohioans would reject the chance to write-in a prisoner at supermax promising to destroy the state government for good,” Swain said. “The corporate-owned media would have you believe that Ohio voters instead elected JWow Kasich, the bozo who shut me down for 8 crucial weeks in the middle of my campaign, demanding to gaze at my penis. Clearly, this is a monumental case of voter fraud. I refuse to concede the election.”
Swain has protested the election results and demanded a hand-recount in a strongly-worded letter to Ohio Secretary of State Jon Husted. That letter was written on the flipside of a printout of Sex Pistol lyrics, including the songs, “God Save the Queen,” and “Anarchy in the U.K.” His letter of protest, written in what appears to be red crayon, is transcribed below.
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Dear Fuckweasel Election Thieves,
What kind of clown show are you running? This is bananas.
Look, the only way to determine how many votes I got as a write-in candidate is to do a handcount. So, I demand a handcount. I realize you and JWow are dog-swapping hierarchs of the republican variety and you all stick together, so be advised that I’m not conceding the election if I don’t get a handcount.
Also, see the sides of the page where your hands are? Guess what body-part touched that.
Live with it.
Freedom or Death,
Sean Swain
Anarchist Prisoner and Candidate for
Ohio Governor, 2014
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