Postmaster General
U.S. Postal Service
475 L’Enfant Plaza, Southwest
Washington, DC 20260-0010
July 24, 2012
Dear Sir or Madam:
I write this letter to you fully aware that the U.S. Postal Service just might be the most effective system that any government ever devised. That means every other system devised by government, including the Ohio prison system, had a higher failure rate than you.
Having acknowledged that, I would like to draw your attention to what seems to be a serious anomaly. Here at Mansfield Correctional, some of my incoming mail has taken as long as 45 days from the postmark to reach me. This mail didn’t originate in Hong Kong or New Delhi. It came from St. Louis.
The mailroom staff here contend that these chronic delays are caused by the U.S. Postal Service and not caused by the mailroom staff, who are led by the big-headed, banjo-playing mutant from the movie, “Deliverance.” However, my outgoing mail reaches its destination in less than a week, as always, and my outgoing mail differs from my incoming mail only in that my incoming mail must be sorted by the big-headed, banjo-playing mutant.
Perhaps the problem is that eastward-directed mail moves slower than westward mail. Perhaps mail directed toward prison is reluctant and fights all the way here. Or, it could be that this prison mailroom is operated by unmitigated ass-clowns who aspire to such an uncanny level incompetence that no sane person would even trust these rare specimens with the simple responsibility of spraying mint-scented aerosol into returned shoes at the local bowling alley, never mind running a mail delivery system.
I suspect that in the era of the Pony Express, you guys didn’t take 45 days to get mail from St. Louis to Mansfield, and back then you had to deal with attacks from hostile tribes of Native Americans. These prison mailroom monkeys are more disruptive to mail delivery than hostile tribes of Native Americans, and you scalped the hostile tribes of Native Americans, so I can only imagine what you ought to do to these buffoons.
Something I must point out: Their level incompetence increases at a direct ratio to your unwillingness to intervene. In other words, if you pass the buck to prison authorities here, you only encourage these chimpanzees to delay mail delivery for 60 days and then 75…
If you won’t scalp them, will you at least provide hatchets? But whatever you do, don’t send them to us through the mail. We’ll be long dead and buried before the big-headed, banjo-playing mutant and his staff get the hatchets sorted and delivered.
At any rate, thank you in advance for what I am sure will be a stern response to the greatest threat to mail delivery since the surrender of Geronimo.
Sincerely,
Sean Swain
Prison Reg. A243-205
MANCI PO Box 788
Mansfield, OH 44901
c: File
seanswain.org