Aired April, 2017 on The Final Straw.
If you wish to complain about this endorsement, please contact Converse at 978-983-3300
Okay, so look. I’ve got a plan for making a butt-load of free money… but I’m going to need your help. We’re going to hold multi-billion dollar multi-national corporations hostages.
I came up with the plan on a visit. I was wearing a pair of black hi-top Chuck Taylors. Had them for years. I got them back in 2011 and those Chucks were with me through the disciplinary frame-up after the 12 Monkey uprising at Mansfield, through the Days of Teargas, Blood and Vomit, printed in Rolling Thunder, through the time at super-max and Lucasville and even the 50-day hunger-strike.
These shoes are a mess. They’re dry-rotted with holes everywhere, and they’re sun-bleached to a grayish-brown, and one of them is cracked across the sole, causing my sock to get wet whenever it rains.
So, the shoes are now totally useless. I might as well walk around barefoot.
Problem is, none of the approved catalog vendors for the Ohio Department of Retribution and Corruption offer black hi-top Chuck Taylors anymore. You can get low-tops. You can get white hi-tops. No BLACK hi-tops.
Personally, I’m convinced that the FBI and NSA are behind it. Based on satellite intelligence, they discovered my shoe preference and eliminated it.
Anyway, I thought about getting my Chucks “refurbished.” You can do that, you know, if the Converse corporation is willing to DO it. And I hoped to get it done for free by maybe offering the shoe my personal endrosement at seanswain.org.
I mean, I AM Anarchist Prisoner Sean Swain. With my insurrectionary cred, I could probably influence a huge spike in black hi-top Chuck Taylors among the ski-mask and dumpster-fire crowd, the machete-wielding, molotov-tossing, savage-cannibal swainiacs all over the world.
I’m a global phenomenon. A multi-media extravaganza.
So my friend asked me, “Do you really think the Converse corporation wants the endorsement of a convicted felon on a no-fly list?”
That got me to thinking about it. Of course they don’t! I’ve got 1297 pages of FBI files that we KNOW about. There’s a t-shirt that features a picture of me holding a bomb. I once advocated arming the homeless. Who does that?
Converse doesn’t want my endorsement!
And that’s when it hit me: we’re not gonna get these corporations to pay me for my endorsement; we’re gonna make them pay me to WITHDRAW it!
So, the plan is, I’m going to endorse Converse black hi-top Chuck Taylors as the best shoe in the universe. And the folks who manage seanswain.org will post pictures of me in those shoes, dozens of pictures, raving endorsements that implicate those shoes in every radical action I’ve ever undertaken in my life.
And that’s where you guys come in. I need my endorsement to saturate the twittersphere so folks at Converse see it. Then, I need thousands of you to call Converse at (978) 983-3300… that’s (978) 983-3300… and tell Converse you are a lifelong customer who will NEVER wear their shoes again… all because Anarchist Prisoner Sean Swain gave them a bad image.
See where this is going? Converse will believe their mega-profits are going down the toilet because of their product’s association with ME. And they’ll come crawling to my web support folks, begging for my endorsement to get taken down.
But it’ll cost them. I’ll need Converse to pay me $5,000 to remove my endorsement and photos and all references to their product.
I bet they pay. I bet they do.
And when they do, we can hold the next corporation hostage… and the next… and the next. Not just athletic shoes, either. Oh, no. Car manufacturers. Tampons. Beer. Soft drinks. Cosmetics. Underwear. Breakfast cereals. Fastfood chains. Office supplies.
I’m the proverbial kiss of death for any corporation’s profit-margins. If we do this right, and we get good at this, we could post my endorsement of some random corporation on the website, get that endorsement to the four corners of the internet, and watch their stock value drop before the end of the day, all because their products are associated with swainiacs.
And for the amazing low price of just $5,000 I can promise to never mention their company again. Huh? Huh? Yeah.
We can do this professionally, one corporate predator after another. And, unlike the old practice of kidnapping corporate officers’ family members, this isn’t even illegal. I could end up the highest-paid un-endorser in the world. Do you know what we can do with all that money? Thousands of super-soakers full of gasoline… Mass-produced potato guns that fire bowling balls at sky-scrapers… Fleets of drones delivering bolt cutters to every prison in the world… Hell, with all that corporate money flowing in, we could REALLY arm the homeless.
This is Anarchist Prisoner Sean Swain from Warren Corruptional in Lebanon, Ohio. If you’re calling Converse about my endorsement… you ARE the resistance…