Everything I’m about to tell you is absolutely true, except for the parts I made up.
According to the Associated Press, Lebanon, Ohio– the area surrounding this prison –is dealing with a serious monkey problem. Folks in the local area have taken pictures of monkeys that appear to be flourishing in the forests and wild spaces surrounding the town. Officials claim the monkeys were probably pets that were released.
The monkey infestation in Lebanon, Ohio, made national news. I would suggest to you, however, that officials have it wrong and that these monkeys are not merely released pets. These monkeys are really trained operatives in a ground-breaking, earth-shattering clandestine program to destroy swivelization.
Some context. Recall, in 2012 the Federal Bozos of Intimidation and the Ohio Department of Retribution and Corruption identified me as Monkey #4 of the Army of the 12 Monkeys. Along with three other prisoners– James Dzelajlija, Les Dillon, and Shawn Marshall –I was tortured at Mansfield Corruptional’s “Special Manglement Unit.” Three of us, all but Marshall, were sent to Ohio’s super-duper-max. Marshall was sent to Lucasville. All of us have been labeled the leaders of the Army of the 12 Monkeys.
The 12 Monkeys are still on the FBI’s secret-squirrel watch-list; I’ve been under perpetual investigation for five years, and I suspect they might just be on the verge of discovering something.
But, it appears the Fascist Bozos of Intimidation aren’t very good at math: Four from twelve leaves eight. If it’s the Army of the 12 Monkeys and they only nabbed four of us…?
At any rate, I can now reveal to the world and to the nineteen people listening to this clap-trap what the other eight members of the 12 Monkeys have been up to: They’ve been plotting to take down swivelization.
The Army of the 12 Monkeys really is an army of monkeys. We have a training camp at an undisclosed location deep in the woods where normally-benign, poop-flinging, leg-humping little primates are transformed into miniature guerrillas [gorillas].
Miniature guerrillas [gorillas]. That means two things.
We radicalize these monkeys by showing them the online footage, over and over again, of Cincinnati cops shooting and killing the lowland gorilla Harambe at the Cincinnati Zoo. You ought to see the rage build on their faces as they watch it.
The monkeys are put through vigorous physical training and by the time of their release, they are twice the strength of the average primate. They’re trained in karate and jiu jit-su, evasion techniques, and methods for resisting interrogation. So, even if they’re captured and even tortured, these little maniacs will never squeal.
They receive small arms training with pistols, but not rifles. At first, we attempted to train them with automatic rifles, but that didn’t really work out well. Just imagine a couple dozen thirty-pound monkeys losing control of AK-47s. It was pretty hectic. Monkey #7 still walks with a limp behind that fiasco.
The written testing for the monkeys is pretty intensive too. Strategy and tactics, explosives, reconnaissance. These monkeys can employ bolt-cutters to cut fences, can pilot drones, and can drop fellow monkey rebels into enemy territory using those drones.
I’m happy to announce that the first column of monkeys has now been released into the wild around Lebanon, Ohio, home to Lebanon Corruptional and Warren Corruptional. With any luck, this is the first of many columns of monkey rebels to get released into the woods in Ohio and beyond.
They’re likely dumpster-diving and scavenging food and they’ve built themselves shelters. I have it on good information that on weekends they break into a local store and get liquored up, spending the nights flinging poop and humping each other. But, during the week, these monkeys are all about business.
And just in case you haven’t already considered the implications of all of this, let me spell it out: When this first column of monkey guerrillas proves to be a fantastic force for disruption and havoc to the slave system holding all of us hostage, radicals and rebels everywhere will jump into this “barrel of monkeys,” training their own monkey operatives in arson, bombings, bank robberies, and perhaps even political assassinations. If you see a squadron of drones dropping monkeys onto riot police or onto the roofs of courts or legislatures, those aren’t Trump voters coming to thank fellow Trump voters. Those monkeys are the vanguard for the next revolution.
They’re quick, agile, and hard to shoot. And they can bite your face off.
I’m told that rebels aren’t just training monkeys, either. Monkey #3 and Monkey #8 of the Army of the 12 Monkeys have made repeated trips to Sea World with giant coolers full of fish in order to recruit dolphins and killer whales.
They’ve successfully radicalized Shamu. Now they just need to find a way to get him into the Ohio River.
It won’t be long now before monkeys converge upon the central fixtures of the swivelization program to both figuratively and literally poop on them. I bet they’ve got little transistor radios, listening to me right now.
The point is, it might take a thousand engineer geniuses to create and maintain a complex, sprawling, social and economic system with millions of moving parts… but it only takes a monkey with a nice-sized rock to fuck it up.
Let’s all aspire to be monkeys.
This is Anarchist Prisoner Sean Swain from Warren Corruptional in Lebanon, Ohio. If you’re flinging poop, you ARE the resistance…