Originally aired on The Final Straw

Hear the actual (fake) press conference here.

PRESS SECRETARY: If members of the press would please be seated… My name is Umar Al-Haq, Press Secretary for Ohio Governor-in-Exile Sean Swain.
The Governor-in-Exile celebrated his inauguration on January 12th with a ceremony here in A-block. After taking the oath of office, the Governor-in-Exile signed 7 executive orders he will describe for you shortly. Invited guests then celebrated with a main course of nachos, with a choice of soda or Kool-Aid. No prison staff attended.
The Governor-in-Exile will now make a brief statement but will not be fielding any questions.
Ohio Governor-in-Exile Sean Swain…

SEAN SWAIN: Thank you.
I would like to preface my press statement with a reminder that the State is a swindle, authority sucks, and obedience is boring.
I ran for Ohio Governor on the promise of abolishing the S that we would all have the chance to dance naked around a bonfire where the Ohio Statehouse used to be. When I insisted on being included in the debates, both corporate candidates, for the first time in history, agreed to NOT have any debates. Both the democrat and republican hierarchs feared the powerful ideas of an anarchist.
Relegated a write-in candidate, my votes were never counted and despite the fact that JWow Kasich was declared the winner by his hierarch friends who swap dogs with him behind the Masonic Lodge, I never conceded the election. As mentioned, while this fraudulent pretender JWow was sworn in, I too was sworn in, right here in A-block. Consistent with my campaign promises, I immediately signed 7 executive orders, which I will describe briefly. These orders will be scanned and available at seanswain.org. My cabinet will be providing copies of these orders to Ohio lawmakers and Supreme court judges so they can recognize ME as the REAL governor and abide by my legally-binding executive orders.
Isn’t this great fun?
So, as to the orders I signed, all of them are perfectly legal and become effective after 30 days, on February 11th. I ordered the Ohio prison system emptied and turned into squats. I made every day of the calendar year a state holiday, so no one will ever go to work. I de-commissioned the national guard and ordered all their weapons turned over to the Native American tribes who legally own Ohio according to the Treaty of Greeneville. I ordered the State of Ohio dissolved and the Statehouse burned to the ground.
On February 11th, anyone claiming to exercise authority as a state official may be “shot, stabbed, hanged, impaled, beheaded, dismembered, drowned, shot from a cannon, lit on fire, run down with a motor vehicle of any variety, ground to pieces in a wood chipper or similar device, bludgeoned, dropped from extreme heights, and/or subdued upon train tracks to be hit by a train.” I specified that anyone claiming authority after February 11th may be killed AND eaten.
No sense letting all that meat go to waste.
Henry David Thoreau, a famous dead guy, once wrote, “‘That government is best which governs not at all;’ and when men(sic) are prepared for it, that will be the kind of government which they will have.”
I agree. I say, let’s roll that beautiful bean footage, and let’s see what happens.
Of course, the United States is going to have to cut one of those stars off of their flag, and we’ll need volunteers to dig up all the federal highways and give the United States their pavement back.
We’re going to be the first area in the last 6,000 years of dystopic swivelization to brag 100% unemployment. Our closest competitor will be the Republic of Haiti. All the slaves dragging stones up the sides of the pyramids in the states that surround us will see how much fun we’re having and they’ll topple their masters too. The hierarch delusion will be exposed for the false mythology that it really is and obedience to tyrants wil be a nightmare of the past. We’ll swim and forage during the day and at night we’ll dance around bonfires lit with useless paper currency. We’ll scare the kids with the story of swivelization, just to make sure they never repeat THAT mistake.
And if anyone attempts to impose their will on the rest of us, they can end up on a spit over the fire just like the last crew of tyrants we shrugged off.
February 11th. There’ll be a 2-11 in progress. We’ll steal back the future, dissolve the state, and, weather permitting, dance naked around that bonfire where the Ohio Statehouse used to be.
This is Ohio Governor in Exile Sean Swain from Ohio’s supermax facility. If you’re listening, you ARE the resistance…
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