In a press conference yesterday, latest presidential hopeful Sean Swain was asked what made him think he could be elected in 2016. He responded, “Have you seen all these fascist fuckweasels I’m running against? We’d be better off eating them than putting them in power.”

Swain asserts that his candidacy is distinguished not by his felony conviction or his FBI file that is now a voluminous several-thousand pages. Swain said, “The current president got the United States out of Afghanistan and Iraq. I plan to get the United States out of North America.”

After announcing his candidacy in the prison visiting room, Swain said, “Ask not what your government can do to you; ask what you can do to your government,” and promptly flipped off the attending prison officials. Next week, Swain unveils his plan for abolishing the United States of America.

In 2014, when the Ohio Secretary of State refused to conduct a hand count to tally the write-in votes, Sean declared himself “Governor in Exile.” He was sworn in by fellow prisoners in a ceremony at Ohio’s super-max, and immediately issued several Executive Orders that, if carried out by the poor, deluded hierarchs, would have abolished the State of Ohio and returned the land to the Native American tribes that legally own it. He then submitted his resignation.
Recently, it was rumored that a committee was assembled to determine whether there is national support for the total abolition of the government of the United States. After extensive polling and research, that committee determined that the vast majority of U.S. voters would whole-heartedly reject the entire platform of a Sean Swain candidacy.
An insider close to the Governor in Exile claims that the conclusions of this exploratory committee persuaded Sean to run.
He is now rumored to be drawing posters and formulating a campaign platform that will appeal to a coalition of “nihilists, hatchet-wielding maniacs, and cannibals.”
An aide to the Governor in Exile, when asked if a potential run for president would simply be a political theater stunt designed to diminish the prestige of western democracy, said, “Yeah, probably so.” When asked if Sean Swain really believed he could win the election, the aide responded, “Fuck, no.”
Sean Swain is scheduled to announce the date he is scheduled to announce that he plans to announce his candidacy.