The Final Straw gave Governor Jwow equal time after Sean Swain’s statements about his campaign for Ohio Governor.

This is a transcription of Jwow’s seemingly unscripted speech.

Is this fuckin’ thing on?  Testing, Testing.  Okay…
My fellow Ohioans… My fellow Americans… Uh, my fellow humans… and I guess that includes all of you filthy, scruffy anarchists out there who don’t plan on voting for me anyway: Suck it.
I’ve got a script here (sound of crumpling paper) but you know what?  I feel pretty loose.  I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to down those painkillers with alcohol.  I sluged them down with a bottle of vodka and I feel great.  Also, you should know, behind this podium, I’m totally naked.
Last week, the idiot who normally rambles through this segment talked about running for governor.  He said I’m obsessed with his penis.  Previously, the bomb-throwing moron claimed I have unprotected sex with dogs and fireworks behind the Masonic Lodge.  I’d like to dispel all of those nasty slanders, as well as tell you about what I’ve done for the last 4 years since Ed What’s-His-Name can’t beat me.
Hey, Ed: Suck it.
First, those nasty slanders.  For the record, I am NOT obsessed with Sean Swain’s penis… I’m obsessed with the penis on his anatomically-correct action figure.  That doll is hung like a mule.  Sean Swain in real-life has a mundane human penis.  We have satellite photos to prove it.
As to the claims that I have unprotected sex with dogs while blasting fireworks behind the Masonic Lodge, what Swain’s implying is totally outrageous.  One, they don’t even make condoms for dogs, and C, fireworks are perfectly legal in Ohio.  So, having cleared all that up, let’s talk about my leadership in Ohio for the last 4 years. Continue reading →