The Final Straw gave Governor Jwow equal time after Sean Swain’s statements about his campaign for Ohio Governor.

This is a transcription of Jwow’s seemingly unscripted speech.

Is this fuckin’ thing on?  Testing, Testing.  Okay…
My fellow Ohioans… My fellow Americans… Uh, my fellow humans… and I guess that includes all of you filthy, scruffy anarchists out there who don’t plan on voting for me anyway: Suck it.
I’ve got a script here (sound of crumpling paper) but you know what?  I feel pretty loose.  I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to down those painkillers with alcohol.  I sluged them down with a bottle of vodka and I feel great.  Also, you should know, behind this podium, I’m totally naked.
Last week, the idiot who normally rambles through this segment talked about running for governor.  He said I’m obsessed with his penis.  Previously, the bomb-throwing moron claimed I have unprotected sex with dogs and fireworks behind the Masonic Lodge.  I’d like to dispel all of those nasty slanders, as well as tell you about what I’ve done for the last 4 years since Ed What’s-His-Name can’t beat me.
Hey, Ed: Suck it.
First, those nasty slanders.  For the record, I am NOT obsessed with Sean Swain’s penis… I’m obsessed with the penis on his anatomically-correct action figure.  That doll is hung like a mule.  Sean Swain in real-life has a mundane human penis.  We have satellite photos to prove it.
As to the claims that I have unprotected sex with dogs while blasting fireworks behind the Masonic Lodge, what Swain’s implying is totally outrageous.  One, they don’t even make condoms for dogs, and C, fireworks are perfectly legal in Ohio.  So, having cleared all that up, let’s talk about my leadership in Ohio for the last 4 years.
I came into office with four major goals:
First, bring in corporations that pay millions to get puppets like me elected, so those corporations can get huge tax breaks while employing a bunch of you ungrateful rabble.  In that way, the corporations live like johns, and I’m like the pimp and all you unfortunates are like slave-wage prostitutes.  Suck it.
B, I wanted to “downsize” government through outsourcing to the private-sector, which means giving my rich, corporate buddies gravy contracts to take over functions the government used to do.  That way, corporations that don’t answer to you run your government and they can tell you to suck it.
Fourth, I wanted to contract natural resources to corporations  like frackers who will toxify your environment and turn it into a lifeless moonscape, giving your stupid kids cancer while getting themselves filthy rich.  Dirty, filthy rich.
Some of my best friends are frackers.  Dirty, filthy frackers.  So, for the last four years, we’ve been fracking your world.
And F, I wanted to leave office wealthy so my kids can get Ivy League educations that all of your little brats can’t afford, making sure my kids will rule your kids the same way that I rule you.
(bumping microphone).  Hey, hey, knock it off.  I’m on a roll here.  (back into mic)  My campaign staff get nervous when I’m naked.
Where was I?  Oh, yeah.  I rule you  and my kids will rule your kids, and that’s how it goes.  I play golf with the rich and powerful privileged elite and you don’t.  So, know your place.  Remember Kent State?  That’s nothing.  We got drones now.  Drones.
So, for the next 4 years I’ll continue to drive down your wages and toxify your world and enrich my wealthy friends any way I can.  And you’ll sit there and take it.  It’s what you people do.  It’s what you’ve always done.  And when I leave office with pockets full of cash, I’ll go join one of those corporations I enriched  and one of those corporations managers will run for office as a sock puppet and continue sticking it to you.  Or, I might get a chance to take my show on the road to Washington, DC as president or vice president and do the same thing on a much larger scale.
But don’t even act like you’re mad.  If you were gonna do something about it, you already would have.  Keep dragging stones up the size of the pyramid.  Vote for me then shut up.
This is Governor Jwow destined to get re-elected November 3rd, and I approve this message.  So, Suck it.
These painkillers ROCK!