This originally aired on the Final Straw Radio show.

I’ve gotten mail recently asking how my campaign for governor is going. In case you didn’t know, I’m running for Ohio Governor and the election is November 3rd.

Hope I can count on your support. My platform is pretty simple and can be summed up with a catch-phrase that’s as inspiriting as it is grammatically incorrect:
I MAKE TOTAL DESTROY.
Ohio calls itself The Heart of It All. That’s what you see on the signs alongside the highway when you have the misfortune of coming here. So, it’s my goal, as Governor of Ohio, to drive a wooden stake right through The Heart of It All.
Here’s my ninety-day plan:
First, by executive order, I would decommission the Ohio National Guard and give their heavy weaponry to the Native American tribes who were here first. They can use that to take back what they want.
Second, I’ll empty all the prisons. 50,000 prisoners liberated. Not one fence to remain standing.
So, think about that. No military, no prisons, no way to control the population.
Goodbye, swivelization.
The emerging Ohio Autonomous Zone would be free of banksters, profiteers, and bosses. The State of Ohio would cease to exist. So would the system of international crapital, at least, within our territorial borders. We’re talking a state-sized occupy encamptment… defended with Apache attack helicopters.
Sounds like a party, huh?
And just to assure you I won’t go power mad and remain in charge, I’ve already signed a sworn statement that if I’m still in office past 90 days from the date I’m sworn in, it’s legal to shoot me. That’s right. I’m the first political candidate who has ever legalized his own assassination if he renegs on his promises.
Abolish the State of Ohio. Vote for me.
My hope of course is that the collapse of Ohio will have a domino effect, turning Indiana and Pennsylvania, Kentucky and Michigan into failed states. Well, Michigan already is, I guess.
And before you know it, total liberation from the hierarch delusion, from the pathology of state-worship. We’ll all be living in yurts and foraging for food, like the good ol’ days before Europeans screwed everything up.
That was the plan. I even have posters at seanswain.org. My personal favorite features a weasel wearing a tie and sporting an oversized erect penis and enlarged scrotum. Sure hope I can say “erect penis and enlarged scrotum” on the radio. Supporters can plaster these posters everywhere or staple them together for a children’s coloring book.
Kids love weasels, you know.
Unfortunately, Ohioans have little imagination to envision a stateless world. So, I attempted to lure people from out-of-state to highjack the election. I only needed a million people.
By my campaign’s best calculations, we got 7. And that’s when Governor J-Wow’s evil minions put me on blacksite status. 8 weeks. What happened was, I sent Governor JWow a prototype of my anatomically correct action figure. And since it’s anatoically-correct, you know he looked.
You know he did.
Sources close to JWow tell me that he ordered me placed on blacksite status when he saw the size of the action figure’s junk. Governor JWow was convinced I was false advertising and insisted on seeing my penis for comparison. While I was on blacksite status, JWow even had the black choppers that harassed Ross Perot circling outside my cell window, trying to snap photos of me when I urinated.
That’s right, Governor JWow was obsessed with my penis. And though I was let off blacksite status after 8 weeks, my campaign could never catch up with the corporate-pants, state-worshipers. And sales of my anatomically correct action-figure just never took off as well as you might have expected.
So, my campaign has a new plan. Rubber mallets.
We need my supporters to show up early to vote on November 3rd. All of Ohio’s voting machines are electronic and they’re sometimes glitchy, so show up early and bring a rubber mallet. After voting for me on the touch screen, make sure the vote is processed by touching the screen just a little more assertively with the rubber mallet. We want YOUR vote to register, just in case the voting machines across the state mysteriously break down. No idea how THAT might happen (and advocating the destruction of voting machines is probably illegal), but if a few voters who got their votes in voted for me, it’s a brave new world, sports fans.
I recommend rubber mallets since some voting centers might have metal detectors. you should try to avoid having to explain why you’re carrying around a metal claw hammer. Delusional Hierarchs can be so dense.
I don’t want to be Ohio’s NEXT Governor… I want to be Ohio’s LAST Governor.
Abolish the State of Ohio. Abolish Swivelization.
Vote for me on November 3rd.
For Ihsan, this is anarchist prisoner Sean Swain from Ohio’s supermax facility, running for Ohio Governor on November 3rd… and I approve this message.