BLACK LIGHTNING ALGORITHM PROMPTS INVESTIGATION OF BEN TURK AND SEANSWAIN.ORG BY FUCKWEASEL BOZOS OF INEPTITUDE (FBI): AT ISSUE, ANARCHIST PRISONER’S SUPER POWER, SHOOTING FIRE OUT OF HIS ASS

In 2010, then-Mansfield Warden Terry Tibbals, during a Community Service shin-dig, told Sean Swain, a skilled painter for Community Service, all about Tibbals’ black Lexus. He was pretty proud of his car. In fact it was all he talked about.

Conventional wisdom says that men often use cars as phallic symbols to compensate for the size of their penises. This could not be the case for Tibbals however, since, at roughly 400 pounds, he has likey never SEEN his own penis.

So, whatever his motives for getting the car, he also acquired the personalized plate, BLACK LIGHTNING, his second favorite topic of banal conversation.

It would appear that Tibbals has blabbed his personalized plates to so many people that the Ohio Department of Retribution and Corruption has included BLACK LIGHTNING into the algorithm they use to scan all prisoners’ outgoing emails. According to BeerBong Tommy Miller, the assistant attorney general defending the ODRC against Sean Swain’s lawsuit, it was Swain’s recent mention of BLACK LIGHTNING in an outgoing email that drew red flags and led to the investigation of Swain… requiring them to cancel Swain’s completely-unrelated video visits. [editor’s note: Sean may not understand that vanity plates can only be seven characters long, so BLACK LIGHTNING, at fourteen characters  is definitely not even Tibbals’ actual licence plate in the first place.]

Those video visits would have given Swain the chance to explain the 12Monkey frame-up and other topics, a nightmare to the deluded hierarch fuckweasels who have sought to silence Swain since 2012.

“Good thing they have that BLACK LIGHTNING algorithm to catch me repeating what that asshole Tibbals told me,” Swain said. “Of course, they could have just read ‘Days of Teargas, Blood and Vomit,’ which has been posted at the site for about two years.”

ODRC officials and their lawyer, BeerBong Tommy, are making a big deal of this revelation regarding Tibbals’ plate number, as if people who wanted to know Tibbals’ plate number couldn’t go to the parking lot of London Corruptional, the prison he is currently destroying, and look at the car in the space marked WARDEN.

“The last I heard, the Lexus doesn’t come standard with a cloaking device,” Swain said. “This is provably a non-issue to justify silencing the video that would expose their crimes. They’re really grasping at straws.”

But, according to BeerBong Tommy, it doesn’t end there. The FBI was called in to investigate “threats” Sean Swain made to “burn down the Statehouse.”

Swain is housed at a supermax facility in Youngstown, Ohio, hundreds of miles from Columbus, where the Statehouse exists. He has no access to fire or to fire-making materials, i.e., accelerants. He also has no way to get out of the facility or to travel to Columbus in order to cause a fire there.

In a recent communique, Sean Swain admitted to entering into secret talks with Drew Barrymore who, as a child actor, played the lead character in the movie “Firestarter,” lighting fires with her mind. Swain claims to have developed this ability also, under Barrymore’s guidance, though his super-power is not as evolved.

“I can’t cause spontaneous combustion like Drew (Barrymore), but I can shoot fire out of my ass,” Swain said.

His ability is inconsistent but he finds it to be stronger when he eats spicy foods. He contends that the flames he shoots from his ass are actually more terrifying than Barrymore’s spontaneous combustion:

“Not only can I turn you into a crispy critter just like she can, but in your last moments you’re thinking, ‘Eww, this came out of his LOWER INTESTINE.’ So, it’s like being consumed by a deadly fart.”

Swain’s recent statement to the FBI ended with a demand to leave Ben Turk and seanswain.org alone or they would, “feel the wrath of blazing super-farts.”

It is possible that Anarchist Prisoner Sean Swain’s newly-developed super-power could upset the current balance of power globally. “If Drew Barrymore and I join forces,” Swain said, “We could liberate THE WORLD…”

Drew Barrymore was unavailable for comment.

THE FBI NEEDS YOUR HELP WITH THIS INVESTIGATION!

Contact the Fuckweasel Bozos of Ineptitude in Cleveland (216) 522-1400 and Columbus (614) 224-1183 and talk to them FOR HOURS. Tell them EVERYTHING YOU KNOW about Sean Swain, seanswain.org, spontaneous combustion, and Sean’s blazing super-farts. Do all that you can to help the FBI solve this cosmic mystery and restore Sean’s video visits. Record those calls and send the audio for posting at seanswain.org today!

* * *

[Editor’s note: Make your own Tibbals memes with this pic: