This originally aired on the Final Straw Radio show.

I’ve gotten mail recently asking how my campaign for governor is going. In case you didn’t know, I’m running for Ohio Governor and the election is November 3rd.

Hope I can count on your support. My platform is pretty simple and can be summed up with a catch-phrase that’s as inspiriting as it is grammatically incorrect:
I MAKE TOTAL DESTROY.
Ohio calls itself The Heart of It All. That’s what you see on the signs alongside the highway when you have the misfortune of coming here. So, it’s my goal, as Governor of Ohio, to drive a wooden stake right through The Heart of It All.
Here’s my ninety-day plan:
First, by executive order, I would decommission the Ohio National Guard and give their heavy weaponry to the Native American tribes who were here first. They can use that to take back what they want.
Second, I’ll empty all the prisons. 50,000 prisoners liberated. Not one fence to remain standing. Continue reading →